JOHN MCINTOSH
I have dreamed of flying and flew. I have flown with the eagles of society, soaring, dipping and diving and landing after often crashing. I scaled the mountain peak and saw what lay beneath. The endless stories of glory, the grappling with power, the struggling with egos … endless egos, each greater than the last, yet empty, so empty of what my heart longed for … I knew not but ‘felt’ the longing all the same.
It was a thirst, an unquenchable thirst or so I believed … the stories of glory demanded a great price, and I paid it – why should this inner ‘pull’ be any different? And yet, it did not shout as did the world narratives. It was soft and silent but spoke clearly of something indescribable … a beauty not seen by any eye. It was not desire that drove me as the great illusion had … something else, something that would not be denied without demanding … something, something?
For a season my head turned from this to that, from teachers and gurus, from ancient texts and dusty mysteries that for a moment satisfied my lust for phenomena. Yet still, the soft and endless longing – longed. No group or gathering, no practice or magic elixir opened this doorless door, though I tasted and savored anyway, hoping one day, one way or another the longing would settle … but it would not.
Finally, my knees bent and in the frustrated silence, I surrendered to the gentle tug at my heart and a door that was never closed ‘did’ indeed open. It was a horrible beauty. A maze of mirrors tearing away every cleaver disguise I had wrapped around my flimsy identity. A fiery dance with a devil of my own making ensued, as the beauty grew and the rags of my hiding fell away.
The surrender has never left but what was disguised did. This false self, called ‘me’ dissolved and the Beauty expanded to reveal Who I Really AM – Who ALL Are. And now the stories slip by like a carousel of wooden ponies dancing to the music of dreams … as “I” watch the paper dragons entice those still sleeping aspects of the Real I AM.
SELF DISCOVERY books by John McIntosh
-image by Solveig Larsen
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